- Rank groups, not people, and cut whole groups from the bottom until the number fits.
- Three tests settle a borderline name: have you spoken in a year, did they invite you, do you both know them.
- Plus-ones and children are policies for everyone, printed on the invitation; exceptions are the wedding party and the flower girl.
- Parents' friends come out of the parents' share, not the couple's.
- The kind no is short, true and the same for everyone: 'we are keeping it small'.
Tiers first
Write the groups in the order you would defend them: immediate family and the wedding party; wider family; close friends; friends; colleagues; parents' friends; evening guests. The list is cut from the bottom, whole tier by whole tier, until the number fits the target, and only then does anyone look inside a tier. This is the single habit that keeps the list from becoming a hundred separate arguments. If the number is reached halfway through a tier, the three tests below decide who stays.
Three tests for a borderline name
A name that passes all three stays. A name that fails all three goes. Two out of three is where the conversation is worth having, and it is a short one because the tests have already done most of it.
- The one-year test: have either of you spoken to them, not on social media, in the last twelve months? Family is exempt; nobody else is.
- The reciprocity test: were you at their wedding, or would you be invited to it? A yes is a strong reason to invite; a no is not a reason on its own, but it removes the obligation.
- The both-know test: has the other partner met them more than once? A friend of one side who the other has met only at a party belongs to the friends tier, not close friends.
Plus-ones
The rule that survives contact with a guest list: partners who live together, are engaged or married are invited by name, always. Everyone else gets a plus-one either as a group or not at all. Giving one single friend a plus-one and not another is the decision guests compare, and they do compare. If the budget allows plus-ones for all single guests, the party size on the invitation says so; if it does not, the invitation is addressed to the guest alone and the reply form limits the party to one.
The wedding party is the exception nobody minds: the people standing next to you at the ceremony bring whoever they like.
Children
There are three honest positions, and the trouble only starts when a couple tries to hold two of them. Adults-only means no children, including the cousins' toddlers, and the invitation says so kindly. Family children only means the children of immediate family and the wedding party, and the invitation to everyone else is addressed to the adults by name. All children means the venue has a plan for them: a children's menu, a table, something to do after nine. The reply form enforces whichever you choose by asking, or not asking, for a children's count, so nobody has to police it at the door.
The flower girl and the page boy are children at every adults-only wedding and nobody has ever objected.
Colleagues
A colleague who is also a friend passes the tests above and is invited as a friend. A colleague who is only a colleague is the reason evening invitations exist: dinner for the people you love, the party for the people you like, said plainly on the invitation so nobody thinks they were meant to be at the ceremony. Inviting the whole team to avoid choosing is the expensive answer; inviting nobody from work is the simple one, and it is fine.
Parents' friends
If parents are contributing, they usually expect to invite friends, and the fair way is a fixed number of seats that are theirs to fill, agreed at the start and not revisited. If parents are not contributing, their friends are guests of the couple like anyone else and go through the tiers. The names that cause the most friction are the ones parents add late; a share that is agreed early, with a date by which their list is final, avoids the late additions altogether.
The people the rules leave out
Some people will notice they were not invited, and a few will ask. The answer is short, true and the same for everyone, because the rules were the same for everyone: 'We are keeping it small, and it has been hard to draw the line.' No list of who made the cut, no explanation of the tests, no promise of a drink to make up for it that you do not intend to keep. People forgive a small wedding; they do not forgive learning that someone in their tier was invited and they were not, so if the tiers were honest, there is nothing to forgive.
We are keeping the wedding small, family and a handful of old friends, and it has been genuinely hard to draw the line. We would love to celebrate with you afterwards.
Our venue holds sixty and we have had to keep to family. Thank you for understanding, and we will raise a glass to you on the day.
The dinner is a small one, but we would love you at the party in the evening; the invitation has the details.
FAQ
- How do I decide who to invite to my wedding?
- Rank groups from immediate family down to evening guests, cut whole groups from the bottom until the number fits, and use three tests for the borderline names: spoken in the last year, reciprocity, and whether you both know them.
- Do I have to invite colleagues to my wedding?
- No. A colleague who is a friend is invited as a friend. For the rest, an evening invitation includes them without paying for their dinner, or you invite nobody from work, which is normal.
- Is it rude not to give single guests a plus-one?
- Not if the rule is the same for everyone and it is said on the invitation. Partners who live together or are engaged are always invited by name; a plus-one for single guests is either for all of them or for none.
- How do I tell someone they are not invited?
- Briefly and truthfully, with the same sentence for everyone: 'We are keeping it small and it has been hard to draw the line.' No list of who made it, no explanations.